Fear.

I think I will just hold on to my anger and my pain just a little bit longer. I guess I am just going to stay mad and sulk in my own fears and insecurities for the rest of my life. I suppose I will just live out my entire existence with the doubts that I will ever succeed, ever have a healthy family, or that I will ever accomplish anything meaningful in the lives of others. I am just going to close up into my own little shell and isolate myself where no one can see the dark places inside of me and no one has to experience the angry side of me, has to know the hurt little boy that wallows in his own afflictions. I will continue to run away from my anguish, letting it consume me when it comes right back up again. I am going to be the same resentful and tumultuous person forever, because that seems to be the only consistency I can keep going in my life.

The Thoughts of An Extrovert

So I have a very deep need. A need to connect and talk to people in a group setting. I can’t explain it, but there’s something inside of me that just gets charged and renewed when ever I can get into a large group. Sometimes when I’m in a group, I’m feeling the need to connect , but I just cannot seem to . It is these moments that I just want to hold a sign over my head and yell “Somebody please talk to me!”. When I am unable to receive this, I tend to get upset and frustrated from seemingly no where. I try to withdrawal from these feelings with old habits and antisocial behavior. But, I think I need the exact opposite of that. I think what I truly need is intimacy. I long for a source of closeness in my life , and I depend on external sources. There has to be an internal source that I can go to for intimacy. There has to be a place where I can receive love unconditionally and endlessly. I need a source that will never leave me. I need Holy Spirit. I need the mighty comforter. I need a voice that overpowers the lies of inadequacy and loneliness. Recently, this great need to press into him has amplified tenfold. I seek His voice over everything. I need Him so much more than I could have ever imagined. Holy Spirit comes in be my closest companion. Speak light into the darkness. Be one with me.

Feeling Things

So I have come to a realization. It is one of the deepest and most important things I have discovered about myself. I have realized that I really need to talk about things. I really need to talk about my feelings, thoughts, and random stuff that goes on inside of me. I need to share what is happening in my life with close friends, or else i feel like i am going to implode.

The Man I Want To Be

Tonight, at my church group, we watched a documentary called Compelled By Love. Compelled By Love is about missionaries Heidi and Roland Baker, who through the Love of God, have housed, fed, and brought life to thousands of children, and continue to do so. The main theme of the film is that everything they do is 100% for Jesus all of the time. The end of the film particularly struck a chord in my heart, and it has been a continuous thought throughout the last several months. Heidi asks the question, “When we find out who Jesus truly is, what can we do with our lives but to serve him? To be compelled by his love to share him with the world?”(paraphrased) And that has been the prevailing thought in my life. What can I do with my life that is remotely gratifying? What in this world is worthwhile? The last few months have led me to believe that there is only one answer to that question. I believe it when Jesus says “I am the Way , the Truth and the Light”(John 14:6) and “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24-5) He is telling us exactly what life in him is all about.

This is what i want. I want to be a man who wants 100% everything Jesus wants. I want to be a man who lives every moment of his life for the glory and presence of God. I want to be a man who loves every person passionately like Jesus does. I want to be a man who’s thoughts, dreams, desires, and attitude is completely aligned with Jesus. I want to be a man who is committed to purity and integrity, and it shows through in every aspect of his life. And I know I am becoming and will become this man. As i spend more and more time with the Man, and he becomes more and more and more real, i see that these are more than just words or hopes. This is my destiny and what His intention and ordinance is on my life. And I am excited.

2 Corinthians 5:14

14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.

Coming Back

I think I am going to start writing on here again. It has been a while since i have written anything, so bear with me on structure.  I haven’t been on here for more than a year, and what a difference a year makes. I have begun to truly pursue God since last January, and it has been the craziest, most wild year of my life. I am a completely different person than i was a year ago. My thoughts, dreams, behavior, attitude, outlook, and just everything about me is new and transformed. I can barely believe where i am standing now from where i was. The Love that has been shown to me and the way that i love myself Makes me feel like the luckiest person on earth.

But What i have received was not luck. It is the Grace and Love of The Almighty Creator of the universe.  Just by me reaching out and wanting to know who Jesus is, He has redeemed a life and shown me how valuable and precious life and everyone living it is. I am worth so much. So much that THE God sent His only son for me to die, just so we could be together. Just so I can know who He is. He sacrificed His son so that i never have to worry about being orphaned, so that i know that i have a father that has unconditional love that i can never be separated from, no matter what i do. It is incredible to me how much change can happen in a person just by making one choice. Just by knowing the sacrifice of one incredible person. That just one person has the power to transform and redeem a person radically. That one person who sees me through the eyes of Love. That who is the creator of and is Himself Love. He who only has wonderful things to say about me. The most incredible and profound gesture the world has ever known, and the good news? It is freely given to all that ask. All that believe. All that desire.

As i ponder all of these things, the only thing that i can hope for is that my life reflects the love that i have been given. That i can share it with everybody. That I look like love. In the coming weeks and months, i will be sharing more about me, as well as a ton of God’s word and the trans-formative power of it. My hope is that it gives hope to just one person. I look forward to it.

Lets talk about My Morning Jacket and one magical night

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Hello. So I would like to start off my first actual blog post by talking about something very near and dear to my (and soon to be your) heart. That folks is the band My Morning Jacket. MMJ is a band from Louisville, Kentucky, and boy howdy are they phenomenal. I was actually introduced to the band a
couple of years ago on my recommended artists on the popular music site last.FM (my profile), but I paid no attention to it because of my music racism (I didn’t like the name, thought it was going to be “emo”).  Anyways, throughout the years, they were a band constantly popping up on my radar, much from people telling me about them ( including a friend from my broadcasting class who said “you’ll love them”, a person who I highly respected musically, but something in my bias told me to not check them out).

Well 6 months and several Rolling Stone articles later, I see in the local Westword that MMJ is coming to Red Rocks. Curious, I buy my tickets and head out to my local library to check out a My Morning Jacket C.D. The title of the compact disc that picked up was “Evil Urges”. I proceeded to put it on my iPod and I played the third song on the album (because I can start at whatever gersh-dern song I want) entitled “Highly Suspicious”. From the minute lead Singer Jim James started singing (?), I was on the floor laughing. The song had sort of a rockish opening riff, so I was completely taken off guard by the very high pitched voice.

I had never been engaged in a song in that way before. I was flabbergasted, amused, intrigued, and rocked all at once. By the time the song had finished, I wasn’t sure what had quite happened to me, or, if I would ever be the same again. I paused it during the opening notes of “I’m Amazed” and was done with the album for the day.

Over the next couple weeks I listened to “Evil Urges” 3-4 more times leading up to August 3rd, 2012, the night that was to change my life forever. For the folks who are unaware, Red Rocks Amphitheatre is probably the best concert venue on the planet, so i highly doubt you can experience a band in a better setting or circumstances. I had been there just once before, and it actually was not a fantastic experience, but that was 100 percent the band playing not being that good. (It was Blues Traveler, so that should explain that.

I pulled up to that extremely special spot in Morrison, CO in my del Sol, and I knew I was in for a treat. I talked to some great people in line that specifically told me so, and who am I to mistrust patchoulli smelling people. I was alone on this venture, so I was quite worried about losing my seat in case I had to piss or needed
water, but those fears alleviated as soon as I sat down and met the folks around me who promised they would save my seat if I did so for them. The opening bands were Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue (who was VERY danceable) and Band of Horses (who were overall boring but relaxing, and on a side note, most of the pretty girls appeared and then promptly disappeared when B.O.H took the stage and left Wtf???)

But almost all of the memories of
those bands quickly disappeared as soon as MMJ took the stage. I had almost completely forgotten about the previous two hours by the time they were into the second song, “The Way That He Sings” and from there is was an unforgettable roller coaster of music. I of course danced as much as possible, but it was particularly intense during “First Light” into “Holdin’ on to Black Metal” when some very pretty ladies decided to join me. Another serious highlight was when the dude from Band of Horses came on stage and did a duet with Jim James on the wonderful track “Wonderful (The Way I Feel)”, and that moment perfectly described how myself, and thousands of other people were feeling. We were in the place that Jim was singing about, and he was the one who put us there. It was pure joy felt by everyone simultaneously.

They continued the acoustic portion of the show with “Librarian” (the only MMJ song I recognized from the whole set) and a cover of Elton John’s “Rocket Man” which was a singalong that everybody knows. But soon after, they picked up the pace and continued with a full blown intenseness unlike I had ever experienced before. They plowed through songs that I now realize are classics like “Wordless Chorus” and “Masterplan” and by the time they had finished their 22 song set, I was exhausted. I had drank 3/4ths of my gallon of water but I still wanted more. Little did I know, the show wasn’t even close to over. I was going to get my wish of more tenfold. After who knows how long the guys came out and played an astonishing 7 song encore that included “Off the Record” and a cover of The Clash’s “Rock the Casbah”. I don’t think I have EVER danced harder than I did rocking the casbah, and I was thrilled that they just kept coming.

They came to Colorado on a warm August night, and with the final notes of “Gideon” they forever cemented themselves in my heart. For ten minutes after the show, I just sat down on the stone steps pondering the mind blowing two and a half hours that I just witnessed. The cleanup crew at Red Rocks looked at me like I was on drugs or something but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was completely sober throughout the entire night (which is sort of a rarity for me) and the clarity was refreshing. My Morning Jacket helped me realized that music is a FAR better drug than the weedstuffs. It was one of the funnest nights of my life, and I had the stamina and mental capacity to completely appreciate and process it. It was eye opening.

POST CONCERT “The Obsession”
Well needless to say I had become obsessed with everything that is MMJ. If you clicked on my link to the last.fm, you will see that I have gone on a seemingly endless binge of MMJ and I do not see an end in sight. If you have never heard them before, I promise your life will improve with their sweet sweet melodies and their experimental flare that will keep you guessing and smiling for the rest of your life in which you have the ability to hear.

Don’t believe me? Youtube some of their songs. (Sorry I am not posting them here, I am doing this from my phone and haven’t quite figured that out yet). Jim James is absolutely stunning in the earlier works like “The Way That He Sings” “Golden” “Masterplan” well and pretty much every song that he is on. I cried the first time I heard “Strangulation”, and I can’t even begin to tell you why. Jim’s voice is one of those special voices that rarely comes around and you will feel emotions that you didn’t even know you had.

Feeling Experimental? Try “Highly Suspicious” “Touch me I’m Going to Scream Pt. 2” “Off the Record” “First Light”

My Morning Jacket’s diverse dynamics and enchanting sound will leave you wanting yet satisfied. “We are the innovators, they are the imitators” is a perfect line from “Wordless Chorus” that perfectly sums up this bands unique sound. Of course, I would strongly recommend listening to them on vinyl, as all of their recordings are on very high quality 180 gram vinyl, and besides live, it is the best sound quality. If your into downloading, (which I don’t personally condone, but this is how much of internet recieves their media), and/or you are just looking for a specific album to start out with, “Z” is a masterpiece to many (including myself).

As I discover more and more of this magical band, my love becomes deeper and deeper. I just recently picked up “At Dawn” on vinyl and it has blown me away. I still have a completely full length album to go through and all of the E.P’s. I look forward to exploring them with my readers and I want to thank you for sitting through my very first lengthy blog post. I hope I wasn’t too boring and I’d like to remind you of my last fm and my twitter @DrakeinCo. Thank you. 🙂

My first post on a blog. Here we go.

Hello. My name is Drake. How’s it goin’?  Any ways this is my first blog post ever and I’m not sure what to expect. I have only read a few blogs of others, and that is because I don’t want to spoil myself. Er that may not be the right words but as you may see that doesn’t really matter as long as my message is conveyed. So a little about me, I really love music. I am “borderline” obsessed with Warren Haynes and My Morning Jacket at the moment. I have recently had some revelations about my life and realized that it is amazing.
Anyways I will try to keep it interesting, but I would imagine I’m not as interesting as I might think I am.
Also feel free to message(massage?) me for tips and also tell me if this gets to much like a diary. I don’t really know to much what a blog is besides that. Merp. 12/12/2012